“You’re lying. (…) You are worthless. (…) You are praised. You are naive if you think that you matter to Swedish cross-country skiing.”

These words are taken from the first page of Charlotte Kalla’s autobiography “Skam den som ger sig” which was published on Tuesday.

The person who said these words was what Kalla himself called “Skamrösten”. Inner voice. Feelings of shame run like a red thread through the book, as they do in her career.

– It’s tiring. It was really tiring, said Kalla when NRK met him in Stockholm regarding the launch.

He often wondered where the sound came from.

– It’s something that no one else ever thinks about, but still I can talk like this to myself, and a lot because the results are not enough, says Kalla.

22 achievements: “Just luck”

He has three World Cup gold medals, three Olympic gold medals, and a total of 22 international championship medals. Five more than Gunde Svan, and by far the most Swedish cross-country skiers of all time.

“You just flew, you got a lot of luck,” was the inner voice explaining the feat.

– Deep down, I know that this is just a stupid and cruel thought that came to me because I doubted, he told NRK.

The results list wasn’t the only thing that embarrassed him.

Charlotte Kalla was embarrassed because she was not present when her parents divorced. He was embarrassed because he had heart palpitations while doing his first ski race on asthma medication.

And he felt embarrassed when he was unknowingly kissed on the mouth during the Idrottsgalan in 2008, as if he could have done something about it.

Bjørgen: – Very sad

He was deeply embarrassed by two breaches of reporting obligations last year before the Olympics in Beijing.

And Kalla was embarrassed to tell anyone about his embarrassment. Therefore, he hopes that many people will be surprised by what has now been revealed.

– Yes, because I never spoke openly about this, and there are few people around me who are honest with me about what is sometimes in my head, he confirms.

Among those who didn’t know anything, and were definitely shocked, were Kalla’s Norwegian competitors and her friend, Marit Bjørgen.

– I actually had the impression that he was very confident and enjoyed the sport. I had a feeling about it, so I have to say I was a little surprised, and I thought it was really sad. That’s all, said Bjørgen when NRK related what Kalla said and wrote.

Something that often makes Charlotte Kalla feel embarrassed is that she is not able to lose as much weight as she planned with the trainers.

In his biography, he reveals that, like many top athletes, he had a troubled relationship with food and weight.

I heard he’s fat

– “It was only in the process of this book that I understood that I was going through a period of relative lack of energy,” he told NRK.

“Relative energy deficiency” in Swedish is called “RED-s” in English and “relative energy deficiency” in Norwegian. In short, this means the body is not getting the energy it needs to do the work it is supposed to do.

Kalla’s figure and weight were discussed, among other things, because of the greetings he received after becoming world junior champion.

“It’s amazing that you were able to win gold at the World Junior Championships, you are an extraordinary person ‘Possible’.”

Maybe it could be translated as fat/overweight in Norwegian.

– I was very surprised and surprised. “I think it’s very unpleasant that I didn’t realize, or discover, that I was fat at the moment,” said Kalla and continued:

– It was a voice that made me doubt myself. If I really have the right self-image. “Because I’ve never seen myself fat before,” she continued.

This was the beginning of a negative spiral that followed the Olympic and world champion throughout his sporting career.

Struggle to maintain target weight

Kalla talks about how he works on body optimization in consultation with trainers, but oabout how she struggles to maintain the weight goals she has set.

He weighs everything he eats, but it doesn’t help

This causes him to sometimes feel uncomfortable when eating – And felt embarrassed again because of it.

“I wanted to vomit what I had eaten, I tried and tried. Accept. But it didn’t work,’ he says in the book.

– What does the voice in your head say when you don’t reach your weight goal?

– That I didn’t make it. That I haven’t worked hard enough. “I should have tried harder,” said Kalla.

– Despite the fact that I have managed to put a dot on the shape. I have taken the medal. But in my experience, I don’t arrive on time. And it’s been a really special thing working on this book and talking to the team around me, who certainly don’t see it as a failure. In fact, I actually made it on time.

Will do things differently

Now he realizes that the problem may not be that he eats and gains too much weight. On the other hand.

– I am firmly convinced that I would have achieved better results if I had managed to be more relaxed, says Kalla

Marit Bjørgen also believes the same, having seen several sportswomen suffer from a constant lack of energy throughout their careers.

– I think maybe Charlotte’s career could have gone better if she didn’t realize how much weight she should be. When the body is in deficit, you don’t get back the training you do, you don’t get progress. So I think it’s very sad to hear that, Bjørgen said.

Afraid she can’t be a mother

Missing menstruation can be a sign that the body is experiencing a relative energy deficit. In the book, Kalla said she hoped to get normal menstruation after stopping taking birth control pills in 2017.

But time passed and the monthly bleeding did not come. After 18 months, she stopped and started using contraception again – just to increase estrogen levels in the body. The value is very low, thereby weakening bone density.

Charlotte Kalla worries she has ruined her chance of becoming a mother. In the book, she talks about her relief when she found out she was pregnant in November 2022.

When NRK interviewed Charlotte Kalla, children’s cries could be heard from the next room. Just over three months ago, little Alvin was born.

– I don’t know what it would be like to talk about this topic if I didn’t have Alvin. It would be much more difficult if I lived with uncertainty, which is now being discussed in the hope that more athletes will take energy balance more seriously.